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Shiva Visits

Alvin Stern

As humans we all experience various joys and sorrows in our lifetimes. Also, as part of our Jewish community we tend to share our simchas and tzuris and make ourselves available to others, both to celebrate the good times and to help console at times of loss.

One of the ways to do the latter, is to visit someone in the first days after a loved one’s passing. The first seven days after burial are known as shiva (for the Hebrew word for seven) Those who mourn stay at home and sit on low stools or the floor, as a symbol for how low they feel and to deprive themselves of the basic pleasure of sitting high on a comfortable chair. The shiva period begins at the burial (day 1) and ends on the seventh day with one hour of mourning, followed by a walk around the block to symbolize a return to the outside world. When we visit those in mourning we should go, not to cheer them, but to help them find comfort in the memories they have of the departed.

Traditionally, one does not start to speak to the mourner until the mourner speaks first – this simple rule allows us to sense the mood of the mourner, and to gear our response accordingly. If the mourner starts to talk of the deceased with fond memories, we should help them reminisce, drawing out those good thoughts – in the process, we may learn something about the deceased as well. If, on the other hand, the mourner wants to avoid these memories, then we should not ask about them. Sometimes, the comfort can come just from our presence – the mourner is not as alone in the world as he or she feels at that moment.

As the days of shiva progress, the mourner may begin to feel better, having reached some balance between the intense grief and the fond memories – this process will continue throughout the first year, in stages – first shiva, then, sheloshim (thirty day period) and then the rest of the avel (mourning) year.

Mourners recite the Kaddish in praise of G-d, who has both given a life and taken it away during the mourning period. Since mourners stay at home during the first week, we hold services at their home – thus we have shiva minyans. At TBS, we will arrange for leaders, siddurim and sometimes even the minyan itself. Evening minyanim are easier to arrange than ones in the morning; but we have done that as well. If you know of someone in your neighborhood who is sitting shiva, please join the minyan – just by being there you will help ease some of the pain. At the end of the service, it is appropriate to approach the mourner and recite the traditional words – Hamakom yinachem etchem betoch sha’ar aveiley tzion v’yerushalayim – May G-d comfort you among the other mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.

Shiva, Part 2

Alvin Stern

A previous article discussed various aspects of the shiva period. In this follow-up article, more of the customs relating to shiva are discussed.

At a shiva minyan, traditionally, those parts of the service normally sung, such as the Shema and Aleinu, are recited individually, without singing. The chant the leader uses is also not the usual melodic form used in the synagogue, but a more subdued, sadder tone. Since we have entered a house of mourning, where joy is absent due to the recent loss of a loved one, we do not sing or use the normal joyous melodies. Although this is indeed the traditional approach, many times the leader of the service will choose to use the normal melodies and to sing the Shema and Aleinu – this is to bring a sense of comfort to those at the service, since the normal melodies are familiar and can serve to restore a sense of normalcy to the mourners. Depending on the comfort level of those in attendance, the leader may choose to do some of the service in English, again, as a way of making the daveners feel more comfortable.

There is a custom of covering up the mirrors in a shiva house. Two of the reasons I have heard for this custom are: 1) so the mourners will not see the image of the deceased when looking at their own face – the assumption being that we do look like our relatives – and this would provoke unnecessary grief; and 2) the mourners must deprive themselves of certain pleasures during shiva – grooming, using make-up might be considered pleasurable. A somewhat superstitious reason has the soul of the deceased wandering around the house, seeing itself in the mirror and becoming frightened.

Mourners are not supposed to wear leather shoes as a sign of mourning, nor to wear new clothes – these are also examples of pleasure. Traditionally, those sitting shiva would not eat meat or drink wine; they also avoid listening to music or watching television shows (the news is OK – most of it is unfortunately not pleasurable!) As a side note, these customs are observed by all of us during the period leading up to Tisha B’av – the Jewish day of mourning.

Since the mourners are not supposed to leave their home for the duration of shiva (except to go to shul on Shabbat, when we do not sit shiva) it has been a custom to have friends and members of the community prepare the meals for the family in mourning and bring them to the house. This would free the mourners from having to worry about preparing meals, and since someone who is extremely sad and depressed may not remember to eat properly, this custom ensures that the mourners will eat well. TBS’s Sisterhood has had a committee (Heart and Hand) to help prepare the Meal of Consolation, eaten right after the funeral and burial; chavura groups have chipped in to provide full meals from caterers or kosher butchers; and individuals have brought home-cooked foods to shiva houses. Unfortunately, this wonderful tradition has evolved, in some cases, to where the mourners have set a table of fruits, cakes and drinks and offered this food to those that visit, turning a visit of consolation into a party atmosphere. We should be sure to provide for the needs of the mourners and not have them provide for us!

Obviously, sitting shiva or making a shiva visit is not something we look forward to doing. But as part of our Jewish community, each of us has the responsibility to help comfort others in their time of need. Our prayer for all those in the various stages of mourning, is that G-d will comfort them along with the other mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.